when Nanay was first rushed to the hospital way back in 2000, i had frantically rushed home, and was able to reach them at the hospital.
now, i am here in cebu, hundreds of kilometers away from manila, and Nanay is at an emergency room, asleep, thinking perhaps that i should have been there. dreaming perhaps of me, at her bedside, dismal-looking but present, at her bedside.
this is the tragedy of "awayness." this is the tragedy of not being able to rush to your mother's side if ever something happens to her. this is the tragedy of numbness, of not being able to do anything to assuage your pain, except to continue living, to continue working, to continue thinking, to continue breathing. even, to some extent, to continue smiling.