Somehow, I find it difficult to explain the things that have happened to me during the past few weeks. May seems to have extended far beyond being a month in itself – it is as if May were my whole lifetime, that I am supposed to die come June. What a fear.
Paradigm shift. I have just undergone a paradigm shift.
Now, it is less difficult to explain my happiness in the context of a paradigm shift.
For most of my twenty-seven years of existence, I had believed that one woman was destined to complete me. I believe in the mystical union of two souls, in the cycle of separation and completion, in reincarnation.
We are all recycled souls.
Back to my one-woman belief…
I had nurtured that belief through several relationships, which eventually caused the death of my romantic dealings with several women, some of whom are now the very best of my friends (lucky me).
Last year, I cycled through all of my former relationships – checking on them, analyzing my life with respect to their lives. And in one cathartic move, I decided to look for my second ex-girlfriend (the woman I had fervently believed was destined for me) and to pursue her to the ends of our worlds, to pursue her till she was mine for life.
Alas, my decision, albeit considered thoroughly, caused me great pain and suffering. What I underwent, though, I considered as justifiable in the light of my former romantic dealings (read: karma).
One can go through this blog and find desperate moments, all for her, all written with tears on the keyboard and languid air in my stomach.
I prayed hard… I prayed for God’s counsel… I didn’t pray that she be given to me… though I really believed that she was the one for me, the pain that I was consciously suffering was too much to be considered as good for myself, for my soul, for my well-being.
At the back of my mind, I believed that God didn’t want me to suffer that much. I was only suffering due to my stubbornness.
I prayed that He guide me through that selfless moment of self-flagellation for love.
Then someone came. She, an eighteen-year old lass, fascinated me with her maturity and intelligence (An intelligent woman always fascinates me, especially one who wears glasses – eyes that got troubled due to too much reading).
Since we were on the same route homeward bound, I somehow lavished attention on her. I had only planned to be a big brother… alas, she fell for me… and given my condition and my prayers, I considered giving myself another chance at loving someone else.
We were together for two months, during which I worked hard to be a very responsible boyfriend. I believe I was successful, given the transition that occurred when I found the TRUTH.
All of my life, I have sought the TRUTH, whether it be a problem in algebra, a redox equation in chemistry, or vector quantities in physics. In my writings, TRUTH was an abstract idea, yes… but I gave it concrete qualities to make the TRUTH a “seeable” object.
The TRUTH – always made me queasy, always made me impulsive, always made me quiver in my seat, in my bed, in my walks. What is the TRUTH?
I believe that TRUTH is relative. In one of my earliest journal entries (I think I was only ten or eleven years old), I wrote that what might be TRUE for one might be FALSE for another.
However, the most important thing is for one to know one’s set of TRUTHS, whether in conjunction with what society believes or not.
I have found my TRUTH.
When someone undergoes a paradigm shift, the experience is disconcerting. Imagine being rotated a full 180 degrees – suddenly you’re facing the opposite direction.
For twenty-seven years, I thought my second ex-girlfriend was the one for me. For two months, I had thrown my belief in the mystical union of two souls and comforted myself with the idea that to love was to work like there was no tomorrow.
Suddenly, in a moment, you see a familiar smile, smell a familiar scent, look into familiar eyes, hear a familiar voice – but you have never seen her in this life, you have never seen someone smile at you like that, you have never heard a voice that soothes you so much as to erase your fears.
And when the conversation began, suddenly you find yourself somehow talking to yourself – the experiences, the likes, the dislikes, how you work, when you sleep… even your thoughts….
Suddenly, in a moment, all your memories come back – a voice inside your head tells you to tell words you have no basis whereof to speak, save for the only reason that you believe those words, that to say them was to say a creed.
A strange feeling wells up from the depths of your soul – she energizes you….
And then the realization – SHE IS THE ONE.
All along, I had searched for the TRUTH. Little did I know that her name was the most obvious sign God could make.
When you think about it, love, after all, does not move in mysterious ways – there are so many signs that one didn’t just consider, or was too busy to consider.
Someone told me the lines on my palm were strange. They are, indeed, strange – for they had spelled out the first letter of her name.
I was born at the same street near the great Pasig river where she was born. During the same year, our parents both transferred to Pasig – she, finding her place at the northernmost part of the town, while I found myself at the southernmost part.
The most obvious sign – her name. I had been searching for the TRUTH.
And according to the Greeks, the TRUTH was ALISA.
I had been searching for ALISA.
I have found my TRUTH.
I have found ALISA.
I now live.