day two

8:30 AM 11/5/2004

the day is overcast. and i am consciously stopping myself from calling you. my bestfriend texted me the other day, "hav sum self-respect."

is that what i really need--self-respect? my world has started revolving around her, again, after so many years. i have been so affected--it is just now that i have started writing again.

a much-delayed catharsis, this belabored writing is. now all i can do is write yodaesque.

what in the world makes someone so sane, so rational, and to some extent, carefree, to be so careful about love, to be so irrational about it, and to be so madly insane?

i wish i knew. friends are actually telling me, "don't worry -- you'll be all right." patience is not actually one of my virtues -- everyone who knows me can attest to that.

even her. my impatience unwinded my springs, and let loose the hounds of hell on my soul.
with my hair splitting on its ends, all i can do is to move and to go on--to just walk away from this crash site.

yeah, i have crashed and burned.