Thursday, October 07, 2004

The Rollercoaster Mayhem

I do not remember riding a rollercoaster. However, experience tells me that to love is akin to riding a rollercoaster--riding up and down, feeling the rush of adrenaline, feeling the suspense, and feeling cheated after a very short ride.

I have ridden this emotional rollercoaster. Twice.

And with the same woman. The ride is six years apart. And it is driving me nuts.

So much pain in so little time. So much happiness in so little time.

Some day.

I have set out to distance myself, but what do i do when she calls? I answer. No question about it. How can i ignore? I can only stop myself from calling her, but what about her?

Doesn't that sound unfair?


And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster, I'll point you home...
"Call and Answer," Barenaked Ladies

The situation is not that chaotic... now. The explosive potential of the situation, and the dire consequences that its explosion can spawn, is tearing her apart and causing my sanity to evaporate.

Ignorance is bliss, and i don't have that ignorance now. I know everything. Well, almost everything. Everything that she can afford to tell me.

And as i say, i shall keep my peace if i have my peace. How shall i keep my peace if, in the first place, i do not have it?

I really want to have my vengeance for everything she has suffered. But she wants peace. Calm.

I can give her calm--either the calm before the storm, or the calm in the eye of the storm.

And for her sake, i have backed down. I have shelved all my plans of revenge. I have put down my weapons.

I have pulled out the magazine from my shiny, black Beretta 92F, and emptied it of bullets. Even the Benelli shotgun was returned to the rack. The ski mask, the gloves, and the black garments--all went to the laundry bin.

And the balisong is back in the cabinet.

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